“How are you doing… really?”
That question sticks itself out there, probing and unavoidable. When you are going through a life-changing experience, people want to know how you’re doing. And not the glossed over “life is still good!” answer. They want the truth.
How am I doing, really?
Well, I’m numb. I feel like I’ve been given this huge cross to carry and no reason to carry it. I feel distant from God. I feel as though everyone around me is seeing their faith grow, their assurance increase, while I’m just waiting.
And I don’t even know what I’m waiting for.
Waiting for the feeling of faith? Waiting for some divine outcome? Waiting to see all the pieces fit together as to why I, of all people, got breast cancer?
All I really know is that I’m waiting for this to be over. I’m waiting for my doctor to say “remission”, for my life to go back to normal, and to no longer feel like I’m fumbling around in the dark.
Call it a testing of my faith. Call it the process of grief. Call it any number of psychological issues you want. All I know is this is how I’m really doing. I’m walking down uncharted territory and I don’t know what is around the next corner. I spend a lot of time praising God to others and questioning Him to myself. I’m afraid to get close to Him because being close means walking a hard walk. I’m afraid that this will get harder and not easier. I’m afraid that other people will see how this journey counted for something and I never will.
Yet, what is crazy to me is that even in the doubt I still know God is God and He is doing big things. I don’t feel it, I don’t see it. But, I believe it. I know He is here walking beside me. I know He is making this journey count. I continue to hold on to that fact. Because even in the darkness of my own emotions, even when I don’t feel Him, don’t see Him, He is still there.
I’m reminded of the man in Mark 9 who asked Jesus to heal his son. Jesus told the father that all things are possible for one who believes. The father, much like myself, cried out “I believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
Just because I doubt, just because I wrestle doesn’t mean I don’t believe. Even when God feels distant and my path seems utterly dark, my heart still clings to Him and fights against the unbelief that bubbles up.
So, how am I really doing?
I’m struggling. I’m fighting. I’m trying my best to believe.
But I’m trusting that God will prove Himself faithful yet again.
5 replies on “What I really want to say when people ask “How are you doing?””
Such sweet, honest words. Blessings to you as you keep going each day.
Sarah, You’ve got to read ‘Grace Grows Best in Winter” by Margaret Clarkson. It was the best book I’ve ever read about suffering. It breathed so much new life into my seasons of suffering. It is out of print but you can get it on Amazon. I’ll keep praying for you! Amelia
Sarah: I think this is so good. Faith when there is no feeling. Faith in darkness. Not knowing and still trudging. God’s not distant, he’s not far. He’ll never leave you. Never forsake you.
Praying you’ll feel Him when you need it. And continuing to pray for health and wholeness. Love you!
a
Amazing strong words! Always love your honesty and transparency. Keep fighting sister! Praying for you! Much love!
Wow-I couldn’t have said it any better. For the last twenty years I have been sick and I never know what to say when people ask me that question. It’s not right to say “well, I’m suicidal, and I don’t feel like I fit in here and I want to go to heaven. “. You can tell people that. This has affected my relationship with God immensely-I doubt all the time. But I still believe. I question why me all the time. What’s my purpose in all this suffering. And it’s suffering totally alone. No husband and no kids. Even though a husband was and is one of my biggest dreams. But who wants to date a sick girl. The bible says he came so that we would have life abundantly. Well I don’t. I barely have an existence. There’s nothing abundant about it except for suffering and sadness. I am also afraid that when and if it ends that I won’t see a purpose from Him for all of this. I ask why me? All the time. Why did I have to be taken from the great life I had. All of it was taken away. I’m Job without the good ending. Everything including my looks, my status in society, my body shape, my job and ability to work, my fiancée -my own mother didn’t recognize me because the physical changes were so extreme. And it’s been TWENTY YEARS OF THIS. Why? I don’t see it. Am I just not looking? No, I think I seek him with all I am and I ask these questions and I tell him all these things. Am I being punished? Is he disciplining me? Am I dumb? Like can I not understand what He’s trying to teach me so it’s taking 20 years to try and show me and I still haven’t got it. Wow.
I don’t know. But I’m tired. I’m so tired. I’m tired of being tired. And I’m all alone.
Sarah, I understand a lot of how you feel. But you have like awesome things to live for. You have a husband and children that love you deeply. They need you. You have tons of friends that love you. Your mom needs you.