I struggle to recall a time in my life when I didn’t fight with depression. I look back on good times throughout life; first going to college, first being married, the birth of my children, summers spent traveling with our sweet family. Each snapshot has a haze over it. Cherished, bright memories, brushed with grey. Nothing seems as sharp as it should be, as though the lens has a coat of dirt over it.
I can be closed off when it comes to my depression. When in public I tend to put on a cheery face, which leaves people wondering how I could be depressed if I’m always “so happy and smiling.” Honestly, it can get exhausting trying to feel something you don’t feel, trying to act a certain way for other people.
I’ve fought against the storm of depression for a long time. But this past November, the storm overtook me.
I took a knife to my arms then began to cut and scrape away at my flesh.
I want to tell you that I shuddered at the pain, that with marks on my arms I stopped my self mutilation. But, the hard truth is, I relished in it. I felt relief. Relief from the constant war in my head. I felt. Plain and simple, just felt, something, anything, for the first time in a long time.
Thankfully, by God’s grace, I was stopped from causing serious harm. My family and friends came around me. I spent some much needed time in a mental health facility getting help. My medication was changed, my therapist walked me through getting mental stability.
Nearly four months later, I can say that I’m in a mostly stable state. I’m on a good combination of drugs and have a therapist who points me back to Truth. While things aren’t perfect, I am grateful for my circle of friends who reach out to me on those days that are really dark and hard.
Why am I opening up now?
The other night I told Jonathan, “I can’t help but believe that I’m not the only one. I can’t be the only mom/wife/person who suffers with depression, who has wanted to die.”
My story is my story, but perhaps one of you out there isn’t too far away from what I have experienced. Perhaps you’ve reached your breaking point and don’t know what to do.
If that’s you, if you are at a point of pain too great to carry, tell me. Call me. Email me. Stop me on the corner. I’m completely serious. You DO NOT have to walk this alone. You DO NOT need to feel trapped by your own fears and depression. There is so much hope and help waiting for you. Please reach out and let your voice be heard.
You are loved and valued. I am here for you.